An Afternoon of Words & Theatre 1: Rémi Ferrier

Untitled Play, by Rémi Ferrier

staged by Stéphanie Gantois and Cyril Becquart (pictured by red bar)
with extras : Agnés Fliscounakis & Hervé Desprets (pictured at tall table)

At the Bôbar : the bobarman and a serious student.
The bobarman : not well dressed, his hair uncombed.
The serious student : very clean with freshly combed hair, glasses and a shirt under his pullover.

The bobarman is cleaning behind the bar. The serious student enters and waits at the bar but the bobarman continues to clean and walk back and forth behind the bar. The serious student gestures to the bobarman.

Bobarman : I’m sorry, there is no water here

Student : [ surprised ] What ?

Bobarman : [Picks up and drinks from his beer] I said we don’t serve water today. I’m sorry but you should try the lady’s !!

Student : What’s happened ?

Bobarman : You’ve never heard of water shortages in Africa ? We have decided to support their cause and to stop serving water in this bar. In this way we’re helping little Africans to get water from their Rain God.

Student : Is this a joke or something ?

Bobarman : No, no, I’m being very serious, I read it in the I.K. last week.

Student : [smiling and shaking his head] This is the worst theory I’ve ever heard. I don’t even want to argue with you. Can I have a glass of water please?

Bobarman : I told you, it’s impossible.

Student : I promise I will send one bottle to the poor children starving in Africa as soon as I get back home, isn’t that enough ?

Bobarman : That is very kind of you, and I’m certain that if every student here had such noble intentions the world would be a better place.

Student : Now, can you give me some water please ?

Bobarman : I’m afraid you haven’t understood me quite right. We have cut the water, so it’s impossible.

Student : What? It’s far for me to judge the idea that you are a stupid alcoholic and a desperate fellow, but what the hell happened in your empty mind of an idiot? Did you think for even one second?

Bobarman : [Sips his beer, bent over the bar] of what ?

Student : Simple question : how do you wash things without water ??

Bobarman : simple answer : we don’t wash them, we have enough plastic cups to serve people until 2020.

Student : What happens if somebody wants something other than a beer?

Bobarman : Oh, we have plenty of juice, and we have one bottle of mineral water. You know, in case of emergency.

Student : [looking desperately at the bobarman] But – no – but – you can’t do that, can you?

Bobarman : I don’t see what the problem with this is, you know, in Germany beer is cheaper than water. I’ve even heard that when you buy a house now they ask you if you want running water or beer running out of the tap. – oh, we should do that ! – put a cistern of beer under the bob and have it directly from the spigot, on tap, what a good idea ! beer in your sink, the world at your feet !

Student : [to the public] How did he get into this school ? Either the exam he took was about a beer under pressure in a bottle, or the examiner was more drunk than he is.
[to the bobarman] But tell me one thing, Imagine you get sick – let’s say, for example – this is just an hypothesis of course – let’s say you have a huge hangover, like the one you get after drinking the whole night and you don’t remember how you got back home – this is just an example of course – then you want to drink water here, what do you do ?

Bobarman : [very naturally] The best remedy for a hangover as far as I know is to drink a beer straight after getting up! [He takes a drink of his beer, as if for emphasis]

Student : You are such an alcoholic, I can’t understand why they let you put yourself in such a state and don’t kick your ass out of this bar.

Bobarman : Me, an alcoholic ? No way !! The characteristic of an alcoholic is that he cannot stop drinking. As for me, I can stop drinking alcohol from now on and you won’t even notice the difference.

Student : Then why don’t you?

Bobarman : Because I don’t want to.

Student : Then I say you can’t !!

Bobarman : Look, I’ve been quite polite up until now, but if you are going to start insulting me and treating me like a fucking drunkard I won’t be so nice.

Student : Easy, easy, I’m trying to help you here. I’m just saying, if you want to keep your place in this school, you know, keep studying, perhaps you had better stop drinking and go to class.

Bobarman : [smiling] Well, until now things have not gone so badly, I’m not worried about my future.

Student : What do you mean ?

Bobarman : I’m just saying beer gives you a different approach to the exams, and my method has been quite successful so far.

Student : [astonished] Really?? Like what? You have nothing to retake, nothing to still pass, so you’re saying you’re a genius?

Bobarman : Be cool mister I-work-hard-every-night-to-get-good-marks, the fact is the corps, the mines, must have found something in my way of thinking that they find interesting.

Student : [quite lost, doesn’t believe it] You mean, that you – I mean such an alcoholic as you are – your never going to class is between the 20 first students ??

Bobarman : God bless you.
[to the public] Freshmen are so naïve nowadays.

Student : Ok, forget this stupid story about water, just give me a beer.

Bobarman: [handing him a plastic pint] Here you are, a passport to party; no coming back.